But no such luck, for either myself or for the bird. What I had here was a juvenile Common Grackle with a grotesque bill deformity. Tumor-like nodules covered most of both the upper and lower mandibles. Possibly, they grew out of the forehead, too - some of the head feathers looked disheveled.
It was hanging around an adult Common Grackle, which occasionally fed him, so he's still being cared for despite his obvious disadvantages. Whether anyone besides a mother could love that face, I'd be interested to know.
Poor little guy. If anyone has any information about what condition this is, or what causes it, please let us know in the comments.